A doctor’s surgery. Twista enters the room.

Doctor: Ah, Twista. Hello, how have you been?

Twista: Gottapaininmypeepee pleasehelpmeGP

Doctor: Hmm, this again. Did you take my advice, and start using protection?

Twista: Playadon’tputrubberonhisdick DoctorMick

Doctor: Well, you know, you’re kind of asking for it in that case. What’s your objection to condoms, anyway?

Twista: LovetogetblazedwhileI’mgettinglaid

Doctor: I see. And you become too lethargic to reach over into your condom drawer, right?

Twista: Gottachick ridingmydick toomuchhasslestickingrubberonmywick eventhoughIcoulddoitrealquick

Doctor: Perhaps you should try having sex without smoking marijuana?

Twista: Nofuckwithoutfire thatscenario’sdire
Givesmethesexualdesire towhichIaspire
JustwishIcouldgethigher withoutstartingtotire

Doctor: I mean, I can give you that stuff I gave you last time, but you really need to-

Twista: NowI’mstartintoperspire
CosI’mpissin’barbedwire

Doctor: Yes, I know the symptoms.

Twista: Urination apainfulsensation

Doctor: OK, here’s a prescription. But you can’t smoke marijuana while you’re taking it.

Twista: NoMaryJaneyouinsane
That’sapain tooprofane
Guessmy mainvein gonnacontinuetostrain
MaybeI’lljustapplyalittlecocaine
TheraininSpain fallsmainlyontheplain

Doctor: LOL! Oh Twista.

Twista: Ooh, also - I need to inform you of my change of address.

Doctor: You can do that at reception.

Twista: Okey dokey. Bye!

Doctor: Bye Twista!

[FIN]

Buy Twista MP3s at 7Digital

Posted by Stuart Waterman on Wednesday January 13th, 2010 at 9:00 am

Braggage is an accepted part of the rap “game”, but it tends to be much more compelling when it’s done with a subtle sense of humour. Tinie Tempah seems to recognise this, as he shows in his soon-to-be-sizable-if-it-isn’t-already-I-dunno-I-don’t-keep-track-of-the-charts-these-days tune, “Pass Out”.

“I got so many clothes I keep some at my aunt’s house” is probably my favourite bit, but there’s a pleasing rags-to-riches feel to “now I drive past the bus I used to run for”, as well.

Love the track too, although in my ‘umble I think the hook/chorus/whatever - sung by a chap in a fetching checked jacket - interrupts the songs’s momentum a bit. The drum n’ bass outro suggests there should be some decent remixes out there as well…

Read Tinie Tempah’s blog

Buy Tinie Tempah MP3s at 7Digital

Posted by Stuart Waterman on Tuesday January 12th, 2010 at 8:23 am

Here’s Jimmy Page in iconic record emporium Rough Trade West, on which he is about to place a tribal curse because it was constructed atop his ancestors’ graveyard.

Not really, he’s promoting the fact that Royal Mail are taking a break from being all strikey to release some stamps based on “classic albums”. Incidentally, is there a more beardy phrase in all of musicdom than “classic album”? Negatory.
Continue reading »

Posted by Stuart Waterman on Monday January 11th, 2010 at 9:00 am

Kings Of Leon have *finally* brought out a clothing line, hurrah! It was getting pretty tiresome wandering around Top Man and H&M, not being able to find a single pair of skinny-fit black trousers or elegantly distressed plaid shirt. You took your sweet time, Kings! Of Leon!

Here’s a hat from their “collection”:

Nice hat, isn’t it? It’s got a brim, and a whatever-you-call-the-bit-that-covers-your-bald-patch. There’s a pretty bit of string (or “ribbon”) there too, and a couple of those pleasing dents where you can place your digits as you lift the hat from your bonce, incline your head slightly, and go “howdy, ma’am” to the local schoolmistress.

But how much do you think this hat costs? All the hats I’ve ever touched have had comedy wigs attached, so I’m not best placed to guess. But I’m going to estimate… £12. £20 if it’s got fancy lining. And a comedy wig attached.

Shall we continue reading to see if I’m close?

Continue reading »

Posted by Stuart Waterman on Sunday January 10th, 2010 at 9:00 am

The Man, of course, doesn’t understand how Ver Kids consumify music these days. That is why universalmusicgroup make their music videos unembeddable.

(Do you ever get a frisson of somethingorother when you use a word and suddenly think, “Wowzers, that chunk of language wasn’t even close to existing ten years ago. And if you’d made it up and said it at someone, it wouldn’t have meant jackpoo to them.” “Unembeddable”, everyone.)

One of the consequences of such Man-ness is that sometimes, rather than watching a video on a blog, you have to actually go all the way over to YouTube - which can take up to 5 seconds, depending on the buses - to watch something. And one of the consequences of *that* is that you come, once again, upon YouTube commenters. And what an interesting breed they are.

Anyway, this is all pointless preamble to me slapping in a screenshot of this comment what you can find on the page for Delphic’s “Doubt“. Many feverish words have been walloped onto the internet in anticipation of what these Delphic people are going to produce (my hunch: jerky, vaguely synth-y indie pop which a certain section of society will love while everyone else goes “muh”), but surely their PR team will be most pleased with this:

Buy Delphic MP3s at 7Digital.com

Posted by Stuart Waterman on Saturday January 9th, 2010 at 1:03 pm

Hey, she said it. But to be fair to her, Bertie was a tad tired at the time. BUT NOT TOO TIRED TO CHAT TO JANE BRADLEY FOR THIS HERE BLOGAZINESITE.

They talked about Bertie’s ARIA-winning album Secrets and Lies (which is vay good), crushes on Fronch pop stars and, um, “nanimals”. BEHOLDIFY:

I became a bit smitten with Bertie Blackman while I was interviewing her. Not only is she infuriatingly talented, she’s also disarmingly charming; whimsical but self-assured, and a pleasure to natter to. By the time we meet, jetlag, exhaustion and a gruelling schedule of interviews and photoshoots have taken their toll, and I’m gobsmacked she’s still able string a slurred sentence together.

“My brain is like mush,” she explains. “This feels like it’s all a dream.” Guessing that I best take advantage of her whilst she’s still awake, and better still, amiable and articulate, we press on in all haste.
Continue reading »

Posted by Stuart Waterman on Monday December 14th, 2009 at 9:20 pm

Only fourteen days into December, and here’s the first post of the month. It’s a gig review from November. Look, X Factor’s been on, OK?

John-Scott Croly gamely went along to an all-ages show by emerging musical yoots Flamboyant Bella, where he felt like a bit of a phaedopile.

I nudged my mate. “Look, that singer well fancies me,” I said, pointing stageward. “Fuck off,” he replied, “she’s looking at me”. “Yeh, whatevs blud, look at your fucking beard!”…

Midway through the argument we realised we were stood right behind her dad and quickly agreed that it had in fact been he who was so deserving of her attention. At least we could only assume it was her dad: middle-aged and sensibly-dressed, right foot going like the clappers and mouthing ALL the words.

Then again, it was difficult to tell; there were plenty of dads in the audience - along with mums, big brothers and other assorted chaperones. Y’see, this was an under-18’s gig - a piece of information our humble editor neglected to furnish me with before I set off to the Highbury Garage. I almost left straight away, for fear of being put on some sort of register.
Continue reading »

Posted by Stuart Waterman on Monday December 14th, 2009 at 8:38 pm

Mariah Carey has covered Foreigner’s classic (IT IS AN EFFING CLASSIC) “I Want To Know What Love Is”. If you are not familiar with the original, just watch VH1 Classic for half an hour. Any half-hour. It’ll come up.

In the audience of the video for Mariah’s new number you are presented with a range of demographics with which to identify.

Which one are you?

1. Eminem, aged 7 (possible subtext: before he became “Obsessed” with Mariah)

2. Easily-inspired, independent (i.e. divorced) divorcée with “strong support network”

3. Gay man testing society’s tolerance to the limit
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Posted by Stuart Waterman on Monday November 30th, 2009 at 11:31 pm

There’s something a bit Common about the rapping man from Fly Gypsy (Common, not “common”), in that during “You” he manages to rap about the dirty without coming off like a braggart or fibbacious schoolboy. I will admit I am rather fond of the line that goes “my cursive is curvacious”, too.

Um, it sounds better coming from him.

And doesn’t the video make you think of all those classic “I am shooting a video on a beach somewhere tropikaaaal, therefore I shall be doing lots of boning ‘neath a coconut tree, oh yes” videos of yesteryear? You know, like this? And this? AND THIS?

Posted by Stuart Waterman on Wednesday November 25th, 2009 at 9:30 am

Niki Jones (he’s a he, btw) went along to the launch night for a “video game” where some bands played. He almost managed to see both of them, and details his experience in an amusing manner thusaway:

Shoreditch is known for several things: curry houses, dotcom companies, floppy hair dos and unfeasibly tight jeans. But it’s not a place known for its undead problem (unlike nearby Dalston). Tonight, however, the place is positively swarming with the rotting buggers, though fortunately for the general public someone seems to have herded them up and put them behind the bar at The Old Blue Last, clearly an equal opportunities employer.

You see, tonight the pub plays host to the launch of new zombie-blasting FPS (that’s First Person Shooter, or ‘a bit like Doom’ for the less geeky among you) Left 4 Dead 2.

Aside from the undead behind the bar we find some ‘gaming pods’ (a couple of X-Boxes in the corner) where you can play the game and a DJ who seems to be playing mainly Pink Floyd (clearly the zombie-hunter’s band of choice). Later there is some live music upstairs in the form of The Vinyl Stitches and The Priscillas. Oh, also the bar is free - score!
Continue reading »

Posted by Stuart Waterman on Wednesday November 25th, 2009 at 8:30 am